i'll tell you a story, a true story. would you like to read on? it shall be pictureless because although i felt like taking some, i just couldn't do it. an invisible force held me back and prevented me from showing you visuals related to this very true story. i won't even try to exaggerate, which i do a lot... but not excessively :)
ok. i'm gonna start now... do you think it would be ok to use once upon a time or is it too melodramatic? nevermind.
On one fateful morning... (see, i'm being honest and plain) i woke up at 10 plus AM. the horror!! i have not woken up this early unplanned in a long, long, long, LONG time. reason for my waking up at this ungodly hour? my grandma came peeked in the door to check if i was awake while talking to this stranger. must have been the noise of their incessant chattering. blah. i opened my eyeshit encrusted eyes to see my grandma and a young looking girl dressed in a hideously bright lime-green t-shirt and jeans in the doorway. she was plump-ish, her face looked like it was bread soaked in water- fat sui min bao, and her pretty damaged hair was in a ponytail with some normal fringe. i don't recall her hair being anything other than black so i'm gonna say her hair was not dyed. basically she looks like your regular school-going 17-18-19 year old...or a college girl? i'm not especially good with ages...i automatically assumed she was one of the neighbours' daughter who very unluckily tagged along with her grandma or mom to the grocery store and unwittingly ended up at our house, having to listen to the older generation chat...
right. so she sees me waking up and COMES INTO MY ROOM, the freako stranger did! immediately i decided to hate her. who the hell goes into a stranger's room uninvited??? and the stranger whom she has never seen before happens to be sleeping in plain view ok?! i don't especially like people coming into my room lor... even if it's my bro or some friends. it doesn't help that my room is a downright "pigsty"- to quote ju, and i'm blardy messed up with my eyeshit n morning breath n crazy hair n oily face. 'what a rude, RUDE person' me thinks.
RudeBreadFace: oh hello lenglui... we really didn't want to wake u and all, your grandma said you were sleeping... but since you're awake... yada yada yada. you see, i'm here for bla bla bla.
she speaks really fast cantonese. like those salespeople type...
me: wtf are you doing here you insanely rude bitch?! which is what i would have liked to say but i'm polite to strangers, as we all are... so i said - uh yea?
...and sat up
RudeBreadFace: your grandma just happened to win one of our lucky draws!!! so now we're waiting for... wait a sec, you look like a celebrity. but i can't quite figure out who..hmm... anyway, bla bla bla bla bla....
is she trying to make me not hate her so much for invading my room by saying i look like a celeb?! it's not so simple honey.
RudeBreadFace: bla bla bla... oh wait... i know now! you look like liang jing ru ( fish leong)!!!!!! has anyone ever told you that? wow, you look so much like her!
eh.. please la. if you wanna flatter me, at least think of someone else which looks a little like me so it would pass as real. you can't use the 1st female chinese celeb that pops into that big head of yours... honestly, lie properly if you are gonna at all. she blinked, she did. cos she was trying to do that amazement look and it kinda hurt her eyes so she blinked. at least i think it's because of that. i always need to blink if i force my eyes open too big.
and if you don't know who the hell FishLeong is, she looks like this.
yea, i know... i said it would be pictureless. so i lied again. :) but please draw your attention to her eyes. HER EYES ARE LIKE A GOLDFISH'S, K?! i think we all know how i look like. please tell me how i can possibly look remotely like her, please do. aside from the fact that we are both chinese and fair-skinned, i do not look like her. well maybe when i smile, my nose becomes wide like hers and my ears are sorta stick-out-ish but i definitely wasn't grinning when i woke up and i had my lovely mane to cover my ears. 5 of my eyes would make 1 of hers.
me: her eyes very big geh worr...
i wanted to tell her she was blind... but again. i'm polite :)
RudeBreadFace: no, you really do look like her...yada yada yada... hey how old are you anyway, lenglui? you look SO young! why don't i guess how old you are? if i guess correct then u treat me to something lar, lenglui! come i guess...
fucker, why should i treat you to something for guessing my age correct. do i have a big signboard outside my door saying "Guess My Age and Win A Meal" ??! nobody even asked you to guess my age lor... what the hell is wrong with her?
RudeBreadFace: i guess....you're 17!!! correct or not?
oh.. so now she figured since i didn't buy her FishLeong comment, she would flatter me by making me think she thought i looked younger than i really am. she probably mentally guessed my age and minus-ed it by 3 or something. god forbid she thought i was any older than i really am!
me: i'm 19
cos i was sleepy and blurr and i got so used to saying i'm 19 for 1 whole year already. i corrected myself later when i came to my senses.
RudeBreadFace: wow, really?! you don't look 19 at all! bla bla bla bla bla....
me: oh ok... i see. will you go away? i want to sleep.
yes, i said that...followed by the yanking of a duvet over my head and pretending to sleep. she went away... to my living room, the awful person did! oh how irritated i was.
RudeBreadFace: oh.. your grandchild is really, really sleepy... maybe we shouldn't wake her up and just let her sleep. yak yak yak yak yak...
realizing she wasn't going away, i got up anyway. washed my face, gargled (with water only), tied up my hair, drank some water and popped the only sweet i could find in the refrigerator. i didn't brush, i'll kill her with my bad breath if i have to. idiotic liar. i didn't even bother to change out of my pajamas
i took a seat on the sofa when my grandma n she were sitting cross-legged on the floor. u know, so i'm in a higher position and will thus appear more authoritative and intimidating ;)
and also so that i won't actually be facing her when i talk and nobody will smell me. hehe
me: so what are we waiting for anyway?
RudeBreadFace: oh, we're waiting for my siong si (senior officer?) to come so we can verify that your grandma and i are not relatives. cos you see, lenglui, there's a rule that says our employee's family and relatives can't win this so we need to have it verified so your grandma can collect the prize.
me: what did we win then?
RudeBreadFace: ahh.. you see here, this white sticker on the card your grandma chose means that you win one of the below... see all these luxurious prizes? you might win a plasma tv, cash, etc. etc. this is really really lucky you know. there are only 30 of these cards in the whole of malaysia, you know, lenglui?!
lucky my ass.
fyi, the cards she had were old and battered, like hard magazine cover material where the print kinda rubs off after a while. folded in half and perforated on 1 edge. i'm guessing you had to tear it open to reveal the inside... to see whether you got the much sought after 'white sticker'...ooooh...
do you know how incredibly wonderful the sticker looked? it looked like those little stickers you can buy from any old shop which come in a few squares of around 50. crap you can buy for less than RM5. it's those tiny white rectangles you find on the backbone of books from the library stating the author's initials or serial code. SO CHEAP right?! i can buy 1 and stick on a bajillion of her old, worn-out-print, battered cards and win a gazillion ringgit worth of prizes.
the cards weren't even just old and awful looking... they were in black and white! (oh.. and shades of grey) have some decency to print your bloody cards in colour so they look more attractive la can? geez... can't even put your effort into scamming people. i can understand if you failed miserably at flattering me... but this is just... unacceptable. i suppose she didn't have anything to do with the cards though. they looked like they were printed before she was born anyway.( she's actually 20. '88 baby... same as me! surprise surprise!) btw, the cards had no company name or whatever. just some terms n conditions for the lucky draw, instructions and pictures of fabulous prizes.
at this point i really wanted to take a pic of the card (and her) but i stopped myself. she's a scammer! who knows if she's gonna grab my cammie and make a run for it in the process?? i'm sure my lion would tear her into bits before she reaches the gate but that would mean i'd have to deal with blood all over the garden, right? so ya'll just have to imagine la.
me: hey, what's that?
something bright, shiny, laminated...and COLOURFUL caught my eye. maybe they had the decency to make one sample card with colour, eh? it was mainly yellow :)
RudeBreadFace: oh this... this is just the lucky draw promotion from Shell.
now you must be wondering why the hell does she have a promotion leaflet from Shell nicely laminated.
RudeBreadFace: we wanted to show you that even Shell can come up such fabulous prizes so it's entirely believable that we came up with these prizes for you lucky winners as well!!! oh we would never cheat you out of anything! we're definitely for real!
WHAT THE FLAMING GEESE?! how does that make any sense at all? do we have stupid stamped across our foreheads? Shell is a huge company ok, and what are you? you didn't even tell me what the company name was or why you people suddenly decided to hold a lucky draw... and you are using Shell's promotion to justify your presence?! WHAT IS WITH THAT??? whoever came up with this scheme must be either mentally retarded, or seriously think that everyone else is.
RudeBreadFace: so you're waiting for your results now huh?
me: ah yea. STPM
RudeBreadFace: what are you aiming for? how many As, lenglui?
me: 4 lor.
RudeBreadFace: aiyo! how can!!! must aim for 6 As !!!! of course we must all aim for the best....
(i make a face) i almost laughed, i did. 6As? sigh...
RudeBreadFace: how many subjects are there anyway?
since she didn't tell me what they're trying to scam us out of yet, i tried to get it out of her.
me: i see... so tell me, after your siong si comes... what's the next step? ( i said 'next step' in english because...well it just came out.)
RudeBreadFace: (amazed expression) wahhh... lenglui, your english is wonderful. you must be very good in english huh? hey! (lightbulb lights above her head)... why don't you teach me english?? you know my english is not very good... since your english is sooo good, you should teach me english!!! (giggles)
will she never stop? aside from 'next step' and some 'then's and 'so's in between, i have never uttered another english word to her. don't bloody change the topic when i'm asking you a sensible question! have your seniors not taught you how to bluff me about the money i have to pay you first before we get the prizes? honestly, woman... you are very good at small talk but you have no future in the scamming world.
me: don't play with me now... so what do we do after your siong si has verified that we're not related to you? how are we going to receive the stuff we won? and by the way, what have we won?
RudeBreadFace: oh... when my siong si comes, he will come in a lorry and bring all your prizes along so you can get them straight away, lenglui!
LMAO... he will drive a lorry with my prizes in tow? really?! wow we are lucky! [narrows eyes]
how amazingly believable is that now? tell me. notice how she dodges my question regarding the exact prizes we won? she's SO VAGUE it's not even right. couldn't she have just invented something off the back of her head, or picked something from that list of prizes there? she's SO BAD at this job.
anyway... some time later she got a call and said that she's so very horribly sorry that her siong si can't freakin come here now cos he just got an urgent errand to run.
oh how terrible! now we won't get our wonderful prizes that we so honestly won!! i was so devastated to hear it.
she also said she was very happy to meet us, shook our hands and bid adieu. then, my grandma sent her off and she ran towards a large white car which i presume to be an Estima. the awful amateur scammer hopped in and they sped off into the unknown. freakin car probably carried a whole bunch of 'em scammers. preying on lil ol ladies everywhere.... fuckers. i'd have taken down their license plate but the mofo was smart enough to park where i couldn't quite see.
though i must say that she's really good at talking to strangers, especially old ppl... popo front popo back. she even asked how my grandpa was and said he should see the doctor if he wasn't feeling so well.
BUT SHE'S STILL EVIL AND I HATE HER.
she left without leaving us with anything. no address, no contact number, no info as to when we would eventually get our prize... she didn't even leave that blasted card with the white sticker for us to keep as souveniers. it's not like we were gonna dust it for prints or anything...
-scam another day-